A famous philosopher. A giant meat cleaver. A sordid tale of love, revenge, hatred, and interstellar shenanigans, all stirred in a giant copper pot and boiled with leeks. This is the never-before-told bizarro history of the illustrious Francois-Marie Arouet, known to the world as Voltaire. This is pain This is suffering This is wild, sticky-sweat-between-the-sheets action Inter-dimensional space and time travel, space-brides, desiccated planets, great literature, and Slobodan Milosevic, too. We invite you to the party. Please bring your own soap and Quaaludes.